Ms. Arbitrage
Issue date: 4/12/05 Section: Humor
Captain Strategy says: You are going about this all wrong. There is no need to do anything bad to Follies, Follies is your friend (plus I am in it). I think the real problem is you. I read somewhere, "If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century." You should consider this and lighten up. There is not need to go psycho. Certain medical theories attribute improved health and well being to laughter, because laughter triggers the release of endorphins. A study demonstrated neuroendocrine and stress-related hormones decreased during episodes of laughter, which provides support for the claim that humor can relieve stress. So go to Follies and also buy the DVD ($15) and laugh your way to good health. If that doesn't work you can always call in a bomb threat next year at Follies, after I have graduated.
I finally got an internship, but now I find out there is a drug test involved sometime in the next few weeks. And I thought it was impossible to fail anything at B School. What do I do?
-Weeded Out
Ms. Arbitrage says: Some people will tell you that you'll be fine as long as you close your eyes, spin around clockwise six times before urinating while singing the Oompa Loompa song at the top of your lungs, and drink 27 gallons of Hawaiian punch the day before the test. But that doesn't always work out, especially when your stupid roommate comes home drunk and decides it will be funny to give the cat some of your punch stash laced with vodka and you're late to the interview with only 24 gallons to drink and an inebriated feline trying to hump your leg.
I suggest that you claim that you can't pee in a cup for religious reasons. If they ask you what these reasons are, you can always start ranting about your freedom to worship the deity of your choice and if Company X doesn't respect your spiritual needs, you'll sue them for discrimination.
Captain Strategy says: I don't really know much about this because I would never (uhm) do any kind of drug, but I have heard of a few things on the porn thing, I mean Internet. Weeded Out meet Mr. Water and GNC pills. Mr. Water and GNC pills, meet Weeded Out. Now get to know each other real, real, real well. I have heard that you can try to flush things out of your system to speed up you quest to purity. There are a couple other options. First, maybe it will be like the April 3rd episode of the Simpsons and you can switch your sample with someone else's (Otto switched his with Homer's-LOL). This is a long shot so I wouldn't count on it. A second option is to find a good friend and obtain a sample and smuggle it in for the test. By the way, this conversation never happened, it wasn't printed, and I don't know anything about any "GNC pills".
I finally got an internship, but now I find out there is a drug test involved sometime in the next few weeks. And I thought it was impossible to fail anything at B School. What do I do?
-Weeded Out
Ms. Arbitrage says: Some people will tell you that you'll be fine as long as you close your eyes, spin around clockwise six times before urinating while singing the Oompa Loompa song at the top of your lungs, and drink 27 gallons of Hawaiian punch the day before the test. But that doesn't always work out, especially when your stupid roommate comes home drunk and decides it will be funny to give the cat some of your punch stash laced with vodka and you're late to the interview with only 24 gallons to drink and an inebriated feline trying to hump your leg.
I suggest that you claim that you can't pee in a cup for religious reasons. If they ask you what these reasons are, you can always start ranting about your freedom to worship the deity of your choice and if Company X doesn't respect your spiritual needs, you'll sue them for discrimination.
Captain Strategy says: I don't really know much about this because I would never (uhm) do any kind of drug, but I have heard of a few things on the porn thing, I mean Internet. Weeded Out meet Mr. Water and GNC pills. Mr. Water and GNC pills, meet Weeded Out. Now get to know each other real, real, real well. I have heard that you can try to flush things out of your system to speed up you quest to purity. There are a couple other options. First, maybe it will be like the April 3rd episode of the Simpsons and you can switch your sample with someone else's (Otto switched his with Homer's-LOL). This is a long shot so I wouldn't count on it. A second option is to find a good friend and obtain a sample and smuggle it in for the test. By the way, this conversation never happened, it wasn't printed, and I don't know anything about any "GNC pills".