CRYSTAL BALLS - When All That Matters is the Future
Ritesh Batra
Issue date: 3/10/09 Section: Humor
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
With a star sign that sounds suspiciously like a deadly disease, one would think that you are screwed, but you will do very well for yourself. You are the kind that could show up for an interview with onions in your armpits or show up for a date munching garlic and still do OK. That being said, don't try walking on water or jumping out of a building and flapping your arms.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You like to worry. And you should. Remember the Leo in Titanic? That dude drowned even as the chunky lady floating on driftwood survived! But on the brighter side, you are destined for great greatness. Avoid transatlantic journeys on big boats.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life is a box of chocolates, for everyone else. In your case, it's a box of crap. But you are the kind that turns crap into gold, carrots into chicken wings, and a frog into a prince with just one kiss. So here's what you can do, Yellow Pages…what if you took the Yellow Pages over to the 3rd world country and had people type the entire thing up and brought it back to the US of A…completely digitized in a floppy disk! Wait, that been done. Well, I tried...
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You could be an expert in the most complex of things like making angel food cake from cake mix but the simplest things in life elude you, like derivatives trading. What should you do? You could be one of them ponzi scheme guys, those guys run those things for years and make billions undetected. And if you do get caught, they'll love you in prison for making angel cake. Don't drop the soap though.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
You my friend, have it made, you shouldn't even be reading this. Your time is money. All you need is a bit of luck. You are genius trapped in the cage of your own mind like the homeless guys in Washington Square Park who play chess for money. You need focus, on the other hand, playing chess in the park for 4 hours, buying a happy meal and then taking the rest of the day off is real genius.
With a star sign that sounds suspiciously like a deadly disease, one would think that you are screwed, but you will do very well for yourself. You are the kind that could show up for an interview with onions in your armpits or show up for a date munching garlic and still do OK. That being said, don't try walking on water or jumping out of a building and flapping your arms.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You like to worry. And you should. Remember the Leo in Titanic? That dude drowned even as the chunky lady floating on driftwood survived! But on the brighter side, you are destined for great greatness. Avoid transatlantic journeys on big boats.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life is a box of chocolates, for everyone else. In your case, it's a box of crap. But you are the kind that turns crap into gold, carrots into chicken wings, and a frog into a prince with just one kiss. So here's what you can do, Yellow Pages…what if you took the Yellow Pages over to the 3rd world country and had people type the entire thing up and brought it back to the US of A…completely digitized in a floppy disk! Wait, that been done. Well, I tried...
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You could be an expert in the most complex of things like making angel food cake from cake mix but the simplest things in life elude you, like derivatives trading. What should you do? You could be one of them ponzi scheme guys, those guys run those things for years and make billions undetected. And if you do get caught, they'll love you in prison for making angel cake. Don't drop the soap though.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
You my friend, have it made, you shouldn't even be reading this. Your time is money. All you need is a bit of luck. You are genius trapped in the cage of your own mind like the homeless guys in Washington Square Park who play chess for money. You need focus, on the other hand, playing chess in the park for 4 hours, buying a happy meal and then taking the rest of the day off is real genius.
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