CRYSTAL BALLS - When All That Matters is the Future
Ritesh Batra
Issue date: 3/10/09 Section: Humor
I've been watching the news, and all everyone says is that the economy is in the toilet, and we all know they are lying because I checked this morning and all I found was last night's fajitas. It's like when Bush said there were WMDs in Iraq, but that was 2002, we are much smarter now. We aren't going to fall for the Economy is in the crapper BS are we? Are we?
That's the best positive spin I could come up with…fajitas in the crapper, last night's, no less. Sorry. Its time to stop looking at the news, analyzing it, obsessing over it. We do that all day, in every class, when we are not talking about the Willingness to Pay wedgie…or is it wedge? So, we at Oppy decided that the future is all that matters. It works like this, very simple really… you read under your star sign for your future…if you don't like it, no worries, read up another star sign. Its our little stimulus package for you.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are an intelligent, smart go-getter sort of person. Unfortunately for you, there doesn't seem to be much to go get right now, but no worries my friend…you are the sort that could make millions sticking your thumb up the willingness to pay wedgie and making people smell it. Not that we suggest you do that. Either ways, the future holds great promise for you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you noticed blood in your stool this morning, you have only six months to live. The good news is that you will soon hit the $100 million jackpot and also meet the love of your life! Just kidding about the 'six months to live' part.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Will you ever make up your mind? You have no idea what you want, why you want it and why it even matters. To make matters worse, you are in love with a lost, pitiful, wayward character - yourself. The good news is that the person you are in love with will always return your calls, will always stalk you on Facebook and will always be there for you. The other good news is that having a split personality allows you to recruit for everything under the sun.
That's the best positive spin I could come up with…fajitas in the crapper, last night's, no less. Sorry. Its time to stop looking at the news, analyzing it, obsessing over it. We do that all day, in every class, when we are not talking about the Willingness to Pay wedgie…or is it wedge? So, we at Oppy decided that the future is all that matters. It works like this, very simple really… you read under your star sign for your future…if you don't like it, no worries, read up another star sign. Its our little stimulus package for you.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are an intelligent, smart go-getter sort of person. Unfortunately for you, there doesn't seem to be much to go get right now, but no worries my friend…you are the sort that could make millions sticking your thumb up the willingness to pay wedgie and making people smell it. Not that we suggest you do that. Either ways, the future holds great promise for you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you noticed blood in your stool this morning, you have only six months to live. The good news is that you will soon hit the $100 million jackpot and also meet the love of your life! Just kidding about the 'six months to live' part.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Will you ever make up your mind? You have no idea what you want, why you want it and why it even matters. To make matters worse, you are in love with a lost, pitiful, wayward character - yourself. The good news is that the person you are in love with will always return your calls, will always stalk you on Facebook and will always be there for you. The other good news is that having a split personality allows you to recruit for everything under the sun.
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